“My heart rejoices in the Lord; the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance. There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no rock like our God.” 1 Samuel 2:1-2 NIV
When I was asked as a little girl what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always, “A Mom.” I didn’t just want to be a Mom, I felt like God had called me to be a Mother. But why was it so hard? Month after month, turned into year after year, and eventually a decade of infertility had passed. Why would He not give me the very thing, He had called me to? Years and years passed of me asking the Father the same questions, “Do you see me? Do you still heal? And are you really good?”
When we brought home our oldest through the miracle of adoption, I held in my arms the weightiness of the wait. She was worth every minute. I was finally a Mama. Several years and two more children through adoption later, the desire of being a Mom had been fulfilled, but deep down in my heart, I knew God had promised to heal my body and bring a baby through a miracle in my womb.
I held onto the promise the Father had given me and at the same time, experienced the reality of my barren womb. I found myself holding them both in the same hand. I had journeyed long enough with the Father to know He was true to His word, and at the same time, He had healed my heart to a place where I was able to not just surrender my dream of ever carrying a biological child, but I surrendered the very promise of healing the Father had given me. Slowly, my heart started shifting from only wanting the gift to having a hunger for the Giver.
On October 15, 2021 I saw with my very eyes, a promised fulfilled. Our daughter, Aida, was born, and I held in my hands the answer to thousands of prayers. I had truly seen the goodness of God in the land of the living.
I relate to Hannah more than any other woman in the Bible because like hers, my story was once filled with barrenness. I can still remember the sting of my tears as I spent crying out to God for an entire decade, begging Him to fill my womb. I know Hannah’s tears, because they have been mine. Every baby shower, every birth announcement, every swollen belly, all painfully reminded me of something my body could not do.
I know her tears, but more than that, I know her desperation. I believe her desperation went deeper than only wanting a child. I think Hannah tapped into a place in intercession many are rarely willing to go. The deep groanings that came out of her heart pulled on the compassion of heaven and released a miracle. Hannah’s deep desperation birthed transformation for an entire nation through Samuel. The prophetic voice of God in Samuel was released through Hannah’s desperate tears.
We often believe our pain only belongs to us, the deep inner longings of our hearts only shape our story. But often the groanings we carry inside of us, only Holy Spirit can understand, have the ability to birth hope for so many stories of those around us. We don’t think of Hannah being an intercessor. Her intercession didn’t look nice and tidy like we often think it should. Instead it was so messy and unkempt she was called a drunk.
Hannah went on to have more children. I think she would say they were all worth the wait. But it was her desperation that led to the deeper places in the heart of God that was eventually released to generations and generations after.
Pray this with me:
God, there are desires in my heart I know are from you. Even those, give me the courage and grace to surrender. God, I know there is nothing that can truly satisfy except for you. Take the places of deep pain in my heart, and use them to change generations.
Questions to journal:
- What area of your life do you find yourself in desperation?
- Where have you been waiting to see the goodness of God?
- Write a prayer of surrender, giving God those painful places.